“Don’t Watch the Clock,
Do What It Does;
– Sam Levenson
“You Have Freedom
In Your Harness.”
– Robert Frost
“My life motto is
‘Do my best,
so that I can’t blame myself for anything.'”
– Magdalena Neuner
I don’t have much to say because I am sick, in a lot of pain, and have a shit tonne of work to do. My point is I that am trying. Credit where it’s due.
Showing up and trying counts for a lot, so give yourself a pat on the back if that’s all you manage today.
“The man who moves a mountain
begins by carrying away
What a tumultuous few weeks it has been! I cannot quite stress enough how relieved I am that Mercury has come out of retrograde! I have been so incredibly weak, ill and demotivated, and its had so many negative more knock-on effects.
I had a client skip town without paying me a sizable amount of money, and since I spent all my time working on their projects, all other pending payments have since dried up. I have given up on hearing from this woman again, but the aftermath has been a real bitch. Due to being financially tight, I have not been able to afford to go to the dentist to deal with the pain that started 3 weeks ago.
As someone with absolutely terrible teeth (seriously, I have been told I look like a crackhead by my loving brother-in-law – thanks for the lifelong complex, champ, love you!), I know that the next visit to the dentist is going to cost me a not-so-small fortune, and what with my empty bank account and piles of debt from my previous medical procedures and surgeries, not to mention the CT scan that was ordered 6 months ago and I still have no idea how or if I am ever going to get it / pay for it …. well let’s just say, if I ever marry rich I might treat myself to the medical treatment I so desperately need.
So I have had to deal with the pain while it has exponentially grown (the last time I counted there were 7 visible abscesses in my mouth) so you can just imagine what my immune system is like at the moment. Food mocks me, painkillers all laugh at me and sleep eludes me. I haven’t been motivated enough to market properly for new clients, nor have I been very good at delivering assignment on time to my regular ones. I am tired, I am in pain, and to be perfectly honest, I am pretty depressed.
I hate being broke. I hate having to beg for my own money. I don’t have immense immediate pressures on me as I’m fortunate enough to live with my parents. They understand that I am limited in my ability to have a traditional career, due to my chronic pain illness and multiple mental health disorders, and I am so incredible grateful for that. Yet I still feel like a lesser citizen 99% of the time, because I can’t afford medical treatment.
Am I less deserving of health or pain relief than rich people? No, but who do I complain that this isn’t fair to? Why is it so easy for me to get a few free drinks at the bar, but not the medication I need? Why is it socially acceptable to say “I can’t join you guys at the bar tonight, I’m broke” and for your friends to say “Don’t worry, we’re sending you an Uber – we’ve got this,” but if I were to say “I don’t need a drink I need a Dr” it would be a whole different and incredibly awkward conversation? So guess what I do? I drink.
& Drinking doesn’t help. It’s not good for my physical health and it sure as shit isn’t good for my mental health. I know this. But I’m trying my best. I’m taking things one day at a time. I am trying to force myself to do little bits of writing every day, even if I don’t complete what I start. I am not going to transform overnight and I know that; but I am not giving up. I’ve been tempted lately though.
So yeah its been a shitty few weeks, but I actually do have good news. I have put on more weight!
So progress, however small, is being made! Oh and if you’re wondering if I figured out how to deal with the toothache, I did. Coconut oil pulling saved my LIFE. I highly recommend it for pretty much everyone.
Slowly but surely, I am getting my energy back, and I hope to be back to my productive self soon.
“Hardships often prepare
for an extraordinary destiny.”
– C.S. Lewis.
Lately every time I update my blog, I have to begin by apologizing for not updating the blog. Did I mention that I just moved house? Also, Mercury is now officially in retrograde and I have honestly just not been having a great time.
That being said, with the number of shit sandwiches I have had to eat over the past 2 weeks, I know that something absolutely unforgettable is about due. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t wait to find out!
What a crazy 2018 it has been so far. When our landlords gave us 6 weeks to find a new place as they were demolishing the house we were living in, we were quite excited. Now that we are here in our beautiful new home (one my parents plan on buying), I am so glad that it happened!
A Change is as Good as a Holiday!
A fresh new start is exactly what I needed, & this home is every writer and artist’s dream: a beautiful garden, filled with secret hidden corners and featuring a lovely wooden porch swing. It feels like we are in a vacation home, but permanently! My son loves it, and so does Fats Domino the Jack Russel and Pygmalion the cat. I think we will all be very happy here.
I have managed to gain a whole 2.7kg! I had a very bad endometriosis flare up over the weekend, which I self-medicated with some high-grade bud. The resultant munchies have kept me in a continual snacking loop, so it has been rather helpful!
I am very grateful for everyone who reached out with advice about my struggles with anorexia and food allergies – I received a lot of helpful tips and recipes and I really feel like I can get on top of this clusterf*ck.
I was recently introduced to something my mother has actually tried to tell me about my whole life; essential oils.I am not going to list all the benefits in this post, but suffice to say, I am converted! I was so enchanted by oils I even decided to launch my own range of blends (“Samoilz” :p). What do you think?
My mental health has not been in a good place, but I am still not quite ready to dive too deep into that yet. Right now I am focusing on being the best me that I can be, working through the physical and emotional pain and hanging onto hope that one of these days I am going to feel physically and mentally stronger (and then we can burn that bridge when we get to it).
Have a phenomenal week my friends!