“The man who moves a mountain
begins by carrying away
What a tumultuous few weeks it has been! I cannot quite stress enough how relieved I am that Mercury has come out of retrograde! I have been so incredibly weak, ill and demotivated, and its had so many negative more knock-on effects.
I had a client skip town without paying me a sizable amount of money, and since I spent all my time working on their projects, all other pending payments have since dried up. I have given up on hearing from this woman again, but the aftermath has been a real bitch. Due to being financially tight, I have not been able to afford to go to the dentist to deal with the pain that started 3 weeks ago.
As someone with absolutely terrible teeth (seriously, I have been told I look like a crackhead by my loving brother-in-law – thanks for the lifelong complex, champ, love you!), I know that the next visit to the dentist is going to cost me a not-so-small fortune, and what with my empty bank account and piles of debt from my previous medical procedures and surgeries, not to mention the CT scan that was ordered 6 months ago and I still have no idea how or if I am ever going to get it / pay for it …. well let’s just say, if I ever marry rich I might treat myself to the medical treatment I so desperately need.
So I have had to deal with the pain while it has exponentially grown (the last time I counted there were 7 visible abscesses in my mouth) so you can just imagine what my immune system is like at the moment. Food mocks me, painkillers all laugh at me and sleep eludes me. I haven’t been motivated enough to market properly for new clients, nor have I been very good at delivering assignment on time to my regular ones. I am tired, I am in pain, and to be perfectly honest, I am pretty depressed.
I hate being broke. I hate having to beg for my own money. I don’t have immense immediate pressures on me as I’m fortunate enough to live with my parents. They understand that I am limited in my ability to have a traditional career, due to my chronic pain illness and multiple mental health disorders, and I am so incredible grateful for that. Yet I still feel like a lesser citizen 99% of the time, because I can’t afford medical treatment.
Am I less deserving of health or pain relief than rich people? No, but who do I complain that this isn’t fair to? Why is it so easy for me to get a few free drinks at the bar, but not the medication I need? Why is it socially acceptable to say “I can’t join you guys at the bar tonight, I’m broke” and for your friends to say “Don’t worry, we’re sending you an Uber – we’ve got this,” but if I were to say “I don’t need a drink I need a Dr” it would be a whole different and incredibly awkward conversation? So guess what I do? I drink.
& Drinking doesn’t help. It’s not good for my physical health and it sure as shit isn’t good for my mental health. I know this. But I’m trying my best. I’m taking things one day at a time. I am trying to force myself to do little bits of writing every day, even if I don’t complete what I start. I am not going to transform overnight and I know that; but I am not giving up. I’ve been tempted lately though.
So yeah its been a shitty few weeks, but I actually do have good news. I have put on more weight!
So progress, however small, is being made! Oh and if you’re wondering if I figured out how to deal with the toothache, I did. Coconut oil pulling saved my LIFE. I highly recommend it for pretty much everyone.
Slowly but surely, I am getting my energy back, and I hope to be back to my productive self soon.